… It seems that about the couple of psychologists Galyna and Mykhailo Horodky the one can write a rather inspired book. It can be a story of support and help for each other. A story about love acceptance and the search for shared views. Who knows, maybe the sons will write such a story, maybe they are in the paper, like many things done together, or someone else. But in all cases it will be a life story. As the Horodky themselves say, life is not perfect. Though it is beautiful

Galyna: «My mood is improving: our family, our relationships, our children, our friends. The way I interact with other people. In the time that we have lived, we have learned so much. Yes, Misha?» (smiling)

Mykhailo: «I can’t say for myself that I am too emotional. I am more of an equal composition. You know that as a child, each person learns certain patterns of behavior. I grew up in an environment where it was not customary to express my emotions and feelings, even forbidden. Perhaps that’s why I became a psychologist, because I had to escape. For me, for some time, the question of how to be in a resource state remained relevant . Undoubtedly, there are things that help me a lot. I love reading from childhood. Nature. I really like the water. Galya, I know, you love water too (smiles)»

Galyna: «Yes, I love water very much…I always wanted to help people. I planned to join a medical institute, but was very afraid of blood. Once watched a movie in which one of the characters worked as a production psychologist, Dad! This is mine» said I in the nineth or tenth form. Later I entered the Taras Shevchenko University in Kyiv»

Mykhailo: «We met at the university and studied together. Then we started a family, we had our first son. We knew for sure that we did not want any totalitarian methods of education. We were looking for an alternative in psychology»

Mykhailo: «We work in different approaches, but still are in the same «line» from the humanistic psychology of Carl Rogers. Galyna works in emotionally focused therapy. I work more in the nonviolent approach of Marshall Rosenberg. When I read Marshall’s writings, I realized that this is exactly mine, what I like»

Galyna: «It seems that we didn’t finish our studies. Misha and I are constantly learning, exchanging thoughts and impressions and supporting one another, in particular through non-violent communication»

Mykhailo: «The world is really changing. Consider the example of child-rearing approaches. After the Second World War, several psychologists and philosophers began an important discussion about the cruel upbringing of children, in particular, the most talked about Germany. Such is the question: How could an educated, cultural nation «fall into» the state to fulfill Hitler’s orders? Psychologists have proven that those generations of people were brought up in the habit of obeying orders. This debate lasted for several decades and ended with the fact that violence is unacceptable in almost every country in Europe. In part, these changes have also affected Ukraine, but not yet to this extent. For example, even people who are at war with each other have the same needs. Different – ways to meet needs. Different visions. And when people see only one way to fulfill these needs, it is about the «narrowed» consciousness that «pushes» people to violence»

Galyna: «Once in a town we appeared with a group of boys. One of them says, «You know, I don’t want to go home today …» The other one answers, «Oh,yes my mom would yell at me, but yours would beat.» , «Thats awful, I don’t want to be there.» And they cannot protect themselves… »

Mykhailo: «From my point of view, violence arises even when someone wants to make another person do something so that it is good for one without taking into account the other person’s thoughts, that is, leaving them no choice. «You have to go to school!» – often parents put children before this fact. «Why?» «Because I said so!» It is already violence»

Mykhailo: «The term «aggression»is not clearly defined in psychology. I have participated in several discussions on this topic. Psychologists offer different definitions, which, at the same time, may be opposite to each other. For example, in the psychological vocabulary one can read that aggression is an action that is aimed at causing harm to another. According to Conrad Lorenz, who is still considered classic, aggression is the energy of life. Probably, the truth is not there and not there (smiles) …»

Galyna: «I would like to add: if a person is in a state of apathy and is in the hospital, then they definitely lack aggression as energy. And for such a person to be angry is already a great benefit, because it is a transition to a higher level, the beginning of recovery. But aggression is harmful to humans in normal circumstances»

Mykhailo: «There is a place in life, from the perspective of the NSS (non-violent communication. – Ed.). Even for aggression. But we can learn to control it, steer it in a peaceful direction. Marshall Rosenberg showed that anger, anger are specific emotions, secondary. And we can learn to see what lies «beneath» them deeper. When a person says «I am angry» it means that something is hidden here, usually pain or fear. And anger in this case is the energy of mobilizing to protect oneself from something. Sometimes it’s good, sometimes it’s not. Because, sometimes, we protect ourselves against mythical threats. If a tiger is running at us, this is a dangerous situation. And if the boss says some kind of a phrase, maybe not even to our address, but a certain person hears the accusation of himself, still, this is not the case with the tiger. But in humans, often the body responds to both situations in almost the same way: it responds to the words of the boss, as a situation with a tiger. People lose their self-control. In addition, anger always has an «admixture» of judgmental thoughts. That’s always the case: if I’m angry with someone, I can look at myself and see that I have condemning thoughts about that person. And then will anger in our relationships with people help us? Not really. And it is the NSS that, through a clear delineation of «what do I think?», «What do I feel?», «What is my need?» .., transform emotions. One goes from anger to even wonder: «Wow, what’s going on with me!» And if a person moves on, the moment of understanding what is happening is what the other person is saying. Perhaps, my interlocutor does not blame me, but in fact talks about his pain, just not in the correct form. Again, none of us is trained to speak about our needs environmentally. So often people react to the top of the iceberg instead of seeing what is happening to me and the other person really. Then it is possible to find the right words»

Galyna: «For example, a small episode of our lives. Misha and I are going on the road. I brush my teeth, Misha hurries me …»

Mykhailo: « I usually hurry Galyna»

Galyna: «I could have thought before: «Here he is in a hurry, why he does it, but everything is ok,we have time.» Now I brush my teeth. and I think, «Yes, Misha is worried, he is worried that we will be on time.» A calm came to me that seemed to envelop me … »

Mykhailo: «Recently, we attended a non-violent communication training conducted by Yoram Mosenson from the Netherlands. He believes that non-normative lexicon is acceptable. Yoram explains that this is how he honestly expresses himself. And he can afford to call names. But look how he does it? Not like in our streets. The coach does not use epithets for any person. Because in nonviolent communication it is not customary to give any rating to another person. Even if you say «you are a good person», it is already an assessment of a certain person. How about us, we don’t usually use such language»

Galyna: «In terms of nonviolent communication, what can I do? I might think that it is hard for some people to be bothered by something. Once in Kyiv, I returned from training. I was followed by young people. From their speech, it was obvious that they were educated, and occasionally used abusive words. Honestly, at first I was uncomfortable to hear it. Then darkly I stopped myself: «What am I doing? I condemn them without knowing anything about their pain and needs.» And then I had sympathy for them. I felt what was happening to me. These passers-by could have overtaken me, but they didn’t. They followed me. They calmed down and from now on the path was no longer bad language»

Mykhailo: «Indeed, conviction will not solve the problem at all. And why do people, especially children, young people, behave like this? In the Soviet upbringing, many things were kept under tight control: if punished, people would not do something for fear, for example, they would not say bad words. Is that what we want? What do we want? I would not want my children to say such words because they are afraid of my anger. In my opinion, this path of prohibition does not lead to anything good. My sons, by the way, do not resort to such vocabulary. Maybe it’s because Galia and I don’t talk that way. Both do not smoke. I once smoked, seven years ago. My son asked: why do I smoke? I did not come up with any reasonable explanation — and quit smoking»

Galyna: «Sometimes our younger son asks us, «Where is your nonviolent communication?» He so often addresses us: «I want you to listen to me», «I need a connection nno», «I need your attention» … Our son clearly states his needs. Yes, children are more receptive to such communication than to a foreign language; they are more likely to master nonviolent communication. One day we were staying in Stryi with a younger son. The son told the residents of the house that my mother is engaged in psychotherapy,and that to my mother come a lot of people and they all come out happy (laugh together)»

Galyna: «I really like the book «The Power of the Moment Now» by Eggart Tolle. The author draws attention to the ability to stay now. That is, when communicating with another person, I do not appreciate her, but I perceive what is happening, and I am in a state of rest, I pass the acceptance of this person, so she will be comfortable with me»

Mykhailo: « Really, very often there is no culture of expression or perception of emotions. Different reasons. Neither school was taught nor books were not enough before. Many families have formed a «culture of prohibition» of emotions or a division into «girls’ emotions» and «emotional taboos» for boys. Therefore, only now is a deeper understanding of emotions formed»

Mykhailo: «Nonviolent communication begins with the awareness of oneself. Then, through self-empathy, I get a chance to understand what is happening to the other person. If I do not understand myself, then the other person will also not be able to understand because there is no such resource. But if this is a chance, then it is important to say in an environmentally friendly way what is happening to me. Because often the expression of emotions «hides» the accusation in reality. To say about your emotions does not mean to speak eco-friendly. The NSS suggests not to rush, but to «scan» what is happening. Observing one’s emotions allows one to «reduce» their intensity a little. It is also not necessary to rush to answer something, as is often the case. It is important to separate judgmental thoughts. Marshall Rosenberg suggested four steps. Just four steps you can learn for years. The first is observation: we learn to describe the situation without the «impurity» of the assessment. The second step is to analyze what is happening to me without judgmental thoughts, for example: «Yeah, I’m worried why?» If I follow my thoughts, I can calm down faster and then a palette of options for decision making appears. The third step is to understand your emotions and unmet needs, the fourth step is a request»

Galyna: « Nonviolent communication is to be in the observation,in the awareness»

Mykhailo: «Marshall Rozenberg called the evaluation language «jackal language». There is no need to learn this language, it is common to all people … In particular, school assessment is also a «jackal language». Sometimes I train with students. My practice shows that discipline can be otherwise supported. It turns out that if children are involved in the development of rules, it is much nicer for them to follow these rules then, for example, switching off mobile phones, quietly entering or leaving the classroom. And coercion provokes resistance, and it is natural, especially for children»

Galyna: «Children are delighted with the opportunities that nonviolent communication opens. One of the class leaders shared some impressions with us: those students who could not express themselves in the school before, started working, the children were more united and the teacher looked at the children differently»

Mykhailo: «We are waiting for a re-release of our book, formerly called «Effective Education Without Punishment». We think of calling it «Effective Education Without Punishment and Encouragement.» I will explain why such a title. We have always considered that punishments are not acceptable. It was later realized that the promotion was not too useful either. Because both punishment and encouragement cause the child to move in the direction we choose. Of course, it is natural for adults to hypothesize that it can be good for children. But this does not mean that the adult hypothesis is valid. Modern children will live in a completely different world than we do. When our eldest son was still in school, the specialties he currently works for were not taught in Ukrainian universities. He is a 3D designer. That is why we can help, counsel, and, if they are willing to listen and hear, we can offer life examples to them»

Galyna: «The younger son loves writing. He works a lot, he writes, he reads …» Mykhailo: «He says he will be a writer»
Mykhailo: «Our plans are to publish two books. «Education for Freedom» will be released a little later, after «Language of close relations». Our collaboration with Galia is based on nonviolent communication, but also on other psychology approaches, including emotionally focused therapy and Thomas Gordon’s «acceptance language»

Mykhailo: «The best thing said about love was by Susan Johnson, author of emotionally focused therapy: «Love is a logical person!» This means that the need for emotional connection with a loved one is not just an inherent need, it is one of our most important needs. No less important than the need to eat or reproduce. A strong bond with a loved one is not a sign of immaturity or weakness, as has long been considered in psychology. On the contrary, it gives us strength, steadfast and reliable support for creativity. And its importance never disappears. If a baby is a key attachment figure for mom (dad), so does an adult need a key attachment figure. And usually it’s a partner. It represents a secure and reliable base. According to Susan Johnson, «From the cradle to the grave, every person needs someone to worry, notice, appreciate, cheer on in life’s troubles, and hold their hand in the dark»

Galyna: «When I look into your eyes,I see that I have a connection with you, that you understand me and that you accept me»

Mykhailo: «Yes»

Galyna: «So I treat you. It is important to me that you are close»