Usually we cry «our heart out»… We find someone who knows how to listen and speak. Is it getting easier? Not always, because the problematic issues are not going anywhere. Specialists really need help, because there is no more mysterious subject than the human soul. Nadezhda Tereshchuk-Likhoshved is a psychologist, and during her practical work she has heard so many other people’s stories that one could probably write a long and interesting book. But she told Zhytomyr.Travel her own. And even shared her «PSYCHOLOGICAL lifehacks» that are so needed in daily life
«I became a psychologist when it was not so popular. I went to study to help myself. And then only my grandfather supported me. University was commercial, my grandfather paid for my studies, and my grandmother said, «Oh,God, and where are you going to work?» … And my grandfather saw that I was curious about what I wanted. He did not need to explain anything, to argue. «Did you choose? Decided? Do you want to? Come on!»
«Then I was exhausted – it was difficult for me. I had two traumatic situations in my life that occasionally swirled in my head. I wanted to get rid of them. So I went to study»
«The psychologist works with himself, his feelings, his peace of mind with clients’ experiences. And this does not mean that I miss the situation. I work for myself, but keep the boundaries I need, based on my own feelings. I can test the client by thanking myself: is she telling the truth, worried, holding back something. I am so trained that, based on my own feelings, I understand what is happening to the person opposite»
«There are times when it is very painful for another person. When you can’t take a person on your back and go all the way. When you understand how you can help, but the person is not ready. I did when I was working with drug addicts. That’s why I quit my job. For me, it was an unbearable pain. I clearly understood that this person needed to do this, and if you think about these things, everything will be fine. In fact, you see that a person steps not forward, but takes a hundred steps back, and dies alone, children and parents die. And that is unbearably painful»
«My biggest victory? It is difficult … As a human, victory over myself. I tamed my demons. I think I’m the winner. In fact, «winner» and «leader» are not identical concepts. I’m a winner, but not a leader in every sense. A female leader is one who has made herself and has her own experience. She doesn’t always have to shout about it, she just lives. And everyone who is ready for it is near it. I’ve met women leaders, and there are so many in my surrounding»
«You can become a leader, but you must clearly understand why you need it or whether it is really your goal»
«It’s cool when the impulses are combined with a clear goal setting. Then there will be a result. I have two question for myself. Are the impulses viable? … I also had impulses that did not end in three days. I ask myself, «Do I want this? – Yes, I do. «And what will happen after that, I want?» If people do not understand the consequences of their actions, their impulses, then they definitely cannot be leaders, they cannot go for this opportunity. And soon they will realize that this is not their story»
«When one doesn’t seek help, one does not need to insist. You only need to help the requester. This is determined when you pay attention to your discomfort. Do you feel ok about that? If so, there is no one to drag. «Go there, do it»- it won’t help. Only the man himself can find his «magic push». Because someone’s «good intentions» can turn against us as well»
«People have different ages: they are biological, and internal. From the very childhood I had the feeling that I was old. My grandmother called me – «Old Nose». I used to go after adults and listen, hanging my ears: I was very interested in those adult conversations, adult stories. But they didn’t save me from my mistakes»
«It is impossible to save a person from his mistakes. People who are wrong, have a bitter experience – neurotics. And to develop, become better, they can only because of this neurosis. Such «refined» children who have never been hurt, who have never tried anything and know nothing, are not empathetic. They are not in the right resonance with the world, they are out of life. I work with women, with girls who are very afraid of being wrong, afraid of hurting children, but I say that there is no need to be afraid. It is impossible to injure a child deliberately, and to be afraid to do «wrong» is not necessary. It is important to be able to say «I am wrong» in time, it is important to talk about feelings, to be in the same emotional state. Sometimes parents come and a child who is afraid of something, they say: «What are you afraid of? Don’t be afraid! «The child from the subconscious sphere reads: «My feeling is wrong. I feel something is wrong.» And alienation begins from that moment. I always advise parents to say that they understand a child who is anxious, scared, uncomfortable: «I understand that you are scared!». It is necessary to feel with the child this situation, to be together, to share this fear and then you can leave. But do not have to transfer your experience, do not say: «Calm down, play around.» It doesn’t work. The child will do this for the parents, but it will not help him / herself»
«… There are no «family-building» universities, no one teaches to be parents. However, you should be careful with your child – children are not ready for any information. It is worth considering the question posed by the child. The question is about the child’s willingness to accept this or that information»
«We do not have a school program on relations, on conflicts. And how it is necessary! We are taught to «compromise». Why? I believe that compromise is the most inefficient way to resolve a conflict. We must agree, cooperate. Even if you give in, you will not oppress your own or other’s interests. A compromise is when everyone is dissatisfied, and that is not enough, we are trying to move somewhere. I think only cooperation and an equivalent agreement are needed»
«To me, feminism is much closer and warmer than what girls are being vaccinated with today – adaptation. The dependents? This is unacceptable to me. Practice proves that when there are already beats, there is little that can be corrected. There are already certain personal qualities, and it is too late to change something – a person is formed»
«We are all multifaceted. These are our facets that we use; they are worked and «grated» as in a glass. And there are those that we do not guess. And using the discomfort, you can «rub» and start using other qualities. What to change? We are so good this way. The question is whether we are good in the world we look at across these faces, or whether we should expand ourselves somehow …»
«I can’t even count the number of people I worked with. Many. But there were minutes of weakness. This was when my dependent wards were broken. It seemed to me that I was saying the wrong thing, not the right one, owning the wrong information. What you need to look for something deeper and more, and I do something wrong. It is a terrible dissatisfaction, as if you were talking in a deaf ear. You do, you do, and the result … It was hard for me to realize that my job for them was to prolong my remission. Improve quality of life during remission a little, knowing that one will still «break down»
«All people are addicted, only these dependencies are different. We may even be dependent on our hormones for the release of these hormones. There are clients with adrenaline addiction. The amount of adrenaline ejection is believed to be equal to that of opium. People need «thrash», and if not, man artificially creates it. As in Verka Serdyuchka: «Mom goes to the market – mother has to quarrel.» This is such an addiction that is quenched by endorphins, and then it goes well. It is inherent in people who live with Psychopaths: they will yell or be slaughtered at a person and then begin to reconcile. So they live a year, two, ten, because they are dependent on such «chemistry». This can be corrected when a person is aware of a problem, aware of their actions. Then you can «come out» of this: to begin to love a life equal, without fireworks, to find a buzz in such a life. Here is a therapeutic effect»
«Tears give me a sign: we are where we are. It is important to understand what kind of feeling is crying. Whether a person complains or cries because of memories. And when you «unwind» all this, you can understand and work out a lot. Crying is needed to be cleansed. And Tears – a sign that indicates where it hurts, how it hurts and when it hurts unbearably»
«Sexologists are very much needed today. I see now that sexual intercourse in young people today is a mechanized physiological relationship without feelings. When urbanization, rapid life, there is no time for debugging. It is only for pleasure that people go to a club somewhere at night, especially do not strain, enjoy – and it is scary. We became like robots. We all want to feel, but sometimes to feel is painful. We have not been taught that painful feelings can be lived competently. Not to drown out for something, but to live: to do something with that feeling and to live on»
«I was pleased that my son was given memos at school. «Don’t ask your child, «What’s in the school?» Ask: «What did you feel or felt? What was your victory today?» And it seems to me that there are already changes! I believe that the feelings of the child will be in attention»
«Addiction is the top of the iceberg. If you start working on time, there is much to be prevented. It is difficult when addiction already exists, but to prevent its occurrence or development, it is possible. I studied the features of food addiction – anorexia, bulimia. And not everyone today has the proper knowledge about this kind of addiction. So it warms me up a lot when we interact with colleagues. Six months ago, they called me from the hospital and said, «Nadiya, you are dealing with these issues. Come to us, tell us. We need our staff to be knowledgeable and helpful when children with such disorders contact us». I managed to form a multidisciplinary team – cardiologists, endocrinologists, psychiatrists who come and consult. And although now there is no financial opportunity to create a branch, though I am so looking for an opportunity to help»
«Sex education begins with moms and dads, when they are just starting to plan for the appearance of babies, from birth, to care. Who bathes, who teaches a child hygiene, as a child begins to learn about his body. «Oh, don’t touch, don’t look, it’s a shame.» It is necessary to touch, to look, there is nothing terrible here. This is the knowledge of one’s body, this is where relationships are formed»
«Well known are Oedipus and Electra complexes when there are too many moms or dads. There are women who pay too much attention to their sons, but as soon as daddy appears, they stop paying attention to the boy. And that is also about sexual education: the child feels abandoned, and in adulthood, it becomes a «third extra». Such discomfort does not allow you to rebuild normal relationships. Does dad break the boundaries: the daughter is paid too much attention and the wife is in the background. It is important for parents to have a harmonious relationship so that they show love. Children should receive information from their parents: «We love each other, and you do not interfere with us.» It’s important for adults to be aware of this»
«People now turn to psychologists more than a few years ago and read more. They began to give a specific request. They used to say, «Help me.» However, they did not know what specific assistance they needed. Probably, I had a feeling in advance that the profession of psychologist was needed. Psychological culture is growing and the quality of services is also»
«For choosing «your» psychologist, we must rely on our own feelings: after visiting the psychologist, as after talking with a friend, it should be good. If after a session with a psychologist, a person comes out «torn», and in his head «vinaigrette» and there are more questions than answers, then before they went there. Even if they feel a painful topic, they work with a psychologist, which means they heal. That is, a person understands what it is painful to do. The best indicator of working with a psychologist is your feelings. If you are well, then you are where you need to be»
«When it comes to domestic violence, very often it becomes clear at the first meeting. When a woman wants to change «him»,no one will change anyone. There are women who come up with another request – need to get their own strength, and that’s another story. But there is violence that human agrees to – he continues to live with it. «Maybe it will change, maybe you will talk to him,» – so sometimes they say. This is an unpreparedness, a game that is «interesting» to both»
«Psychological abuse is when one person satisfies one’s own need for self-affirmation by humiliating another. And there are such a lot. It is necessary to speak when you do not like something, about what offends you, to explain, to draw borders»
«Low self-esteem is the «voice» from the outside that we hear. To raise self-esteem, one must do it more quietly. In fact, that «voice» does not belong to the person himself, usually this is said by the critic. Someone has a mom, girlfriend or someone else. In this case, one has to make their feelings, their inner voice louder, and increase their self-concept. List the moments that make you stronger, do your homework. You can even sometimes «catch them by the ears». Three days that way, and then it will be easier. As soon as such a self-concept grows, everything changes dramatically: people perceive you differently, and life begins to change»
«Those who have empathy can share the pain. A person who has an internal resource can help others … Space tests us for the power of self-love through the people with whom it hurts, difficult, and which causes us irritation. Such people brazenly check our borders, and we must be able to say no. If a person cannot say «stop, that won’t happen to me», there will always be those who will narrow and break your borders. We must learn to understand what to close our eyes to, and what to never allow; what to keep silent and what to talk about. The universities do not exactly learn to draw such boundaries»
«We are not taught to hear ourselves – it is not profitable. When we hear ourselves, we cease to be controlled. I am for everyone to be able to hear themselves, to understand their own feelings. Not someone’s or neighbor’s voice, an inner critic, but yourself»
